Receiving Grace

Sometimes it's hard!

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

We have talked here about giving grace in the past. Giving someone a break…cutting them some slack…making allowances. It can be a wonderful thing to offer someone who is stressed, or frustrated, or rude, or in pain of any kind. You may or may not know the source of their discomfort, but we can all take the opportunity to get out of ourselves and our problems to see someone else who needs grace.

But how well do we receive grace from others…or ourselves?

I can be terrible at it, especially when it counts: giving it to myself (as seen here)!

Why is that? I think it’s related (again) to those not enough feelings…that I’m unworthy to receive it.

Luckily, John (my husband) helps me understand and see things in a new way. He’s the one who taught me the tools that have changed my life. AA and Alanon* taught me many valuable lessons, but John’s process for change has brought true peace into my life.

I got another great lesson recently.

A couple of years ago we were living in a golf community in Texas. John was in heaven, and I was in hell. I loved being close to family and friends, but that was about it for me. We spent the previous two years in Colorado. After that, life in Texas, for me, was unsustainable. And that was all I knew.

Photo by Courtney Cook on Unsplash

What I didn’t know (or was unwilling to see) was that John (who loves golf more than almost everything, is self-taught, has won tournaments, and works hard to improve his game) realized there could be an opportunity for him to become the assistant pro where we lived. He would love nothing more than to eat, breathe, and sleep golf.

I simply couldn’t see past my wants and needs…and we moved back to CO.

He knew what he was giving up. And he did it anyway because he loves me and wants my happiness above his own. This is what I felt I should have done for him, especially since he deserves to do what he loves. If you knew his story, you’d understand that he earned that life.

We have since had a couple of conversations where I now truly understand what he gave up…and why. I still struggle with giving myself grace for that. He forgave me long ago; I am the only one carrying this pain and shame. It doesn’t promote peace in my life, that’s for sure.

He taught me how to look at it differently. Remember the scale metaphor we talked about? It’s back!

There are two sides to the scale: the side that has all my not-enoughness and everything connected to it. At times in my life, it was practically on the ground. The other side is the empowered, peaceful side. This one has gained some weight in the past five years, which makes me very happy and proud.

I can’t do anything about the first side. It is full of hurts and pains and mistakes and shame. I can’t change them or take them back. I can’t undo the damage I did to myself and others. I have to own that and take responsibility for that. But if all I do is beat myself up for it when I think about it, I’m not helping my cause or my healing.

I want to rectify my actions from the past, and I don’t want to be that self-centered person anymore. I want to take my power back from that situation where I ALWAYS come out the bad guy (because that’s all I can see). I want to have a different experience when I think about this incident…one without shame and guilt. Maybe even celebrate John’s love and sacrifice he made for me. How lucky am I?

I want to be a team player in my marriage. I want to support John in the thing he loves so much. In AA and Alanon we call this making living amends. It’s more than apologizing; it’s about making sure you don’t take that same action again in the future. The word “amend” means to change, so the goal is changed behavior. If I kick you in the shins, apologize, and then kick you again, I haven’t changed much! I have kicked myself relentlessly over this, apologized (lied to myself), and did it again. Talk is cheap; actions matter.

I need to decide who I want to be in this situation and my marriage. I get to choose who shows up: the supportive wife or the other wife.

As I mentioned earlier, I can’t do anything about my past actions; all I can do is move forward with a different mindset. And when I do that, I add weight to the other side of the scale. Every time I choose who I truly want to be in a situation, and then follow through, I add more weight to the other side.

Seeing the whole picture, instead of focusing on the one area where I come up short also adds weight to the “good” side of the scale. The truth is that we are both happy to be back in Colorado. I love being in the mountains. I love having four seasons…and then some (we’re even due for a little snow this weekend!). People are kind and friendly, and both of us are grateful to live in a state that values and promotes the outdoors and healthy living.

I have to trust that all is as it should be. I believe that if God truly wanted us in Texas, that’s where we’d be. The truth is that we are both happier in Colorado, and golf is just a piece of the picture, yet I have demonized myself for that one small aspect of the situation relentlessly. Enough! Seeing the whole picture allows me to receive grace a little easier.

Little by little, the side with the not-enoughness and shame gets lighter…and the side with the power, resilience, and confidence gets a little heavier.

It’s a process, not an event. It takes patience, compassion, and perseverance to confront these things about and within myself, but I must do so to have a life of peace, self-love, and self-acceptance. Any time I have those things in abundance, they spill over onto others. Likewise, any time I have an abundance of shame and self-loathing, those, too, spill over onto others, whether we mean to or not.

Changed behavior leads to a different experience for everyone.

When you’re cutting everyone else some slack, don’t leave yourself out. And then, be willing to receive. Have the humility to accept the gift and stop playing the victim.

*Don’t get me wrong…I LOVE AA and Alanon. I haven’t had a drink in over 36 years thanks to AA, and I have much better relationships with myself and others because of Alanon, but I was still missing something in my life. John’s program is patching that hole. Much of what I write about are the things I’m learning from him. I love sharing it and helping people grow in a positive direction. Stay tuned!