Noticing
It's different from paying attention. Here's why...
A couple of weeks ago I wrote about paying attention to the world around you…about mindfulness and being present. Paying attention is about getting out of your head and into your life. There are wonderful things to see and experience if I’m paying attention. (On my walk today, I was thrilled to see that the hollyhocks I mentioned in that article are beginning to sprout!)
Noticing sounds a lot like paying attention, but I can assure you they are different…at least for me. Noticing has helped me make some huge changes in my life.
So what’s the difference?
Paying attention is about seeing the world around you; noticing is about seeing the world within you.
Noticing is about seeing the patterns and habits that were created, honed, and perfected over decades of repetition…self-induced patterns and tendencies that have caused me a lot of pain. I embraced truths about myself that were given to me by someone else, based on their perceptions and biases…and I believed them. I lived my life as if they were true. It’s about me getting in my own way.
Noticing is paying attention on steroids.
Noticing = paying attention with INTENTION!
Sometimes I notice something after the fact. I may feel frustrated that I missed it (and the opportunity to do something different), but I need to celebrate the fact that I saw it at all. Think of it like a scale that tips to one side or the other, depending on the weight each side carries. One side was originally weighed down by another’s opinion of me. For decades, I heaped proof and evidence on the same side…all my reasons and justifications for my negative self-image and low self-esteem. Because I believed them, I saw my life through a filter of not-enoughness that clouded my view of the truth: that I was exactly the way I was meant to be, worthy of love and most definitely enough.
A few years ago (after 30 years in AA and 15 in Alanon…plus countless hours of therapy), I realized that my filter of not-enoughness left me feeling like a powerless, talentless, self-loathing victim, in spite of the wonderful life I lived.
F* THAT.
I decided to take my power back and begin a path toward true self-love and self-care. The path started with noticing whenever I fell back into my pattern of not-enoughness. Because I was so easily triggered, I had to come up with a plan….what to do in the middle of the mess when I’m feeling defensive or sensitive.
My plan began with noticing. I had to notice my behavior…what sparked it…how I felt (it always starts with a feeling) …and how I handled it. Then I had to come up with a new narrative, an alternate behavior, or a Plan B so that I could retain my power and my peace.
So. Damn. Hard.
It takes practice to even see the behavior. There are some things that I’ve been doing so long, and that are so much a part of me, I barely even know they are there. Some are hard to root out because, over the years, they became a thread that wove itself through every fabric of my life. It wasn’t too long ago that a coach I was working with pointed out that I was coming from a place of not-enoughness in a certain situation. I was so surprised! Even then, it took me a second before I could really see it.
This stuff is D E E P. And healing from it is 100% do-able.
That’s why it’s important to notice. If I can see it, I can change it. And if I can make a habit, I can break a habit, so all of those negative things I’ve been doing and feeling for decades can finally come to an end.
As long as I am vigilant and notice, I can take action and do something different.
Noticing is the first step toward healing.
Good stuff Claire!