*This is a vulnerable post for me. I considered being vaguer, but this post is also about taking ownership, so that’s what I’m doing. It’s still scary. Maybe you can relate? Please be kind.
This is a story about the process I use to change. Learning lessons is tough. Even at 67, it appears I have room to grow! No doubt, I’ll continue ‘til I die.
In the last few months, I’ve heard from three people that I respect and care about who said they can’t count on me…that I make promises I don’t keep…that I don’t live up to my end of the bargain.
It hurt to hear that.
The first time, I was very upset…and angry. My initial (UNSPOKEN) reaction went something like this: Can’t count on me? What about the time I …. Or when I …. What about when you…. This went on in my head for a while. Luckily, I knew enough to keep my mouth shut.
When my internal rant was over and I calmed down, my next thought was, “What if it’s true?”
I had to be open-minded, introspective, and honest enough to consider the possibility of it being true, even though, historically, I’ve been very good at rationalizing, minimizing, and justifying my behavior…to myself anyway. I’m realizing how much I have played the victim. It was such a part of me I didn’t recognize it. Seeing it is a victory. I intentionally look for my part in ways I haven’t before and take back my power from the shame I feel about my actions. When my shame is in charge, I want to shift ownership of the wrong elsewhere. This time, I examined the original incident that sparked the comment, and then I looked (with grace and curiosity instead of heaping blame and shame) at earlier behavior.
And I saw it.
In my experience, these things don’t just appear in single, isolated incidents; they are part of a pattern. That was the case with this. Over the past few weeks, I heard from two other people who said I made promises I didn’t keep.
Because I lived in victim mode for so many years, my first reaction was to defend myself…explain how they had gotten it wrong…and what I meant. Wrong! I’ve practiced this behavior for a very long time, and it has become a habit….a habit I no longer want to engage in. I’ve been aware of the victim stance for a few years, but this was different, so it was a bit of a shock to me. And it made me feel very sad, knowing that I had done this repeatedly.
Because gaslighting and narcissism have been in the news for the past few years, I recognize some of those behaviors, and some of my reactions to my new insight have had elements of both. I’ve been on the receiving end of this type of behavior myself, and I don’t want to be a perpetrator.
Please understand…this is not behavior I’m proud of. This is behavior I want to change.
But I can’t change it unless I can see it. And, boy, do I see it. Now, anyway.
When the student is ready, the teacher(s) will appear. They have taught me a lot in the last few weeks. I am grateful for the lessons, but I wish I had learned them sooner, and from different people. Still, it is my responsibility to take ownership, make amends, and then heal this behavior by practicing something different.
Will I do it perfectly? Nope, I’ve already messed up. It has been going on a long time and I have to fight my instinct to shift blame or make it about me. They deserve to have their say. They deserve the opportunity to share their pain with the person who caused it…WITHOUT my input. Whatever I may think or feel about what they say, their feelings about their experiences are very real to them…and that’s what’s important.
Because I’m working on something deep-seated, regardless of anyone else’s reaction, I need to give myself grace and patience. Every cell in my body wants to react in the old way, especially when there have been misunderstandings. If I want to change, however, I have to ignore and combat all these instincts. Because this is a habit practiced over many years, it is not only difficult to see, but it is also difficult to stop.
It helps to have a plan…something I decide ahead of time so that when the situation arises, I’ll be ready. Notice, I didn’t say “if”; because it’s a habit, it is guaranteed to happen again…and again…until I get a handle on it. I may even miss it a time or two and see it in hindsight. I can (and should) celebrate even just seeing it after it has occurred unrecognized for so long. And then celebrate every time I see it AND do something different because I’m breaking through, and correcting, an unconscious habit that I would have done forever if I hadn’t caught it. No telling how many more people I might have hurt in the process. I don’t always like what I see, but I am always grateful to see it.
If I can make a habit, I can break a habit. You can too. Follow along to learn more.
What a gift.
Change begins with seeing….
Oh, my brave and courageous friend. Like you say, a victory! Seeing is the first step, always. And it is never to late to change a pattern. Rivers do it all the time. I am with you! I struggle with this too. Big love 💕
Wow - I certainly didn’t expect to see the neon flashing light above my head pointing at ME. Thank you so much for that raw and honest feedback about yourself. It’s hard and it is making me look at some certain behaviour traits I have repeated.