Yeah but, it’s just….

I'm not surprised you showed up.

*language

Photo by Katrina Wright on Unsplash

I want to begin this post by saying thank you. I’m honored that you read what I write and are interested enough to subscribe. Truly.

The day after I launched my Substack, I was telling John, my husband, through joyful tears, about how excited I was to have subscribers…and even people who pledged to pay for it! WOW!

The INSTANT I finished the sentence, the thought popped in: Yeah but, it’s just a blog post.

What a buzzkill!

And so very frustrating that THAT thought would show up in the middle of my elation…and so immediately. So very frustrating that the not-enoughness I’ve felt all my life would be here in this happy moment.

Then I got it:

I’m not surprised you showed up.

Of course, “you” (the victim with all the thoughts of not-enoughness) did.

Why here?

Because it’s a habit to do so.

Because I’ve practiced this behavior for decades, unconsciously, until a few years ago.

Every time I was in an uncomfortable situation (for me), my not-enoughness showed up to validate the discomfort and to create a reason…a narrative…that fit the discomfort. Years ago, a dear friend offered this view of it: the ego steps in to “save” me from hurt and rejection by offering an “explanation” (my not-enoughness) that will mitigate the pain. The most persistent narrative (because it was so easy) was that I was not thin enough. Every time I walked into a room with women who were thinner than me, this was all I could see (and, of course, it really had nothing to do with them). Different situations (or different people) determined which version of not-enoughness seemed appropriate at the time (not smart enough, not creative enough, not _____ enough) but it was always there in some form.

It's exhausting constantly feeling like I’m always lacking something.

Over the years, I discounted some big achievements because I felt like I wasn’t successful enough. I wrote a novel! Yeah but it wasn’t a best seller, and it didn’t even make much money. I got a master’s degree (and was inducted into the honor society because of my fabulous grades)! Yeah but I could never pass one section of the licensing test.

The “yeah, buts” need to GO!

No wonder I hated myself! How could you love, or even like, someone who talked to you like that all the time? Now I see these incidents opportunities to look that bullshit in the eye and stand up to it and create a new narrative.

It is NOT just a blog post. It is the beginning of a vision. It’s me being brave. It’s putting myself out there for all to see in the hopes of inspiring a few along the way.

It’s a victory. It’s a cause for celebration. It’s a success!

I get to choose the narrative.

I get to choose.

This is important! It’s easy for me to forget that the way I narrate anything (and everything) is a choice. I can choose to make me the villain or the hero, the loser or the winner, in every situation. This is incredibly empowering. I am taking my power back from the not-enough lie so I can live in the truth…my (new) truth of enoughness.

My goal is to create better narratives for myself. It feels mostly uncomfortable at this point because I don’t have much practice (hence Celebration Sunday…so I can practice celebrating something about me at least once a week). If I can make a habit, I can break a habit. I have to consciously build new habits so that they become the default instead of my old narrative. It will take mindfulness and intention, but I look forward to the next opportunity to look this not-enoughness habit in the eye and tell it adios.