The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Be the hero in your story!
The stories I tell myself have shaped who I am today, both positively and negatively. Mostly negatively because so many of my stories have been linked to the not-enoughness I feel/have felt.
Maybe you call it self-talk or narrative but it’s all the same.
The problem with the stories I tell myself is that most of them aren’t true. I’d venture to say that very few of them were true until a few years ago. I believe I’m getting better!
The other problem with telling these stories regarding other people is that I am often wrong. Sometimes when my husband and I don’t see eye-to-eye on something, I’m telling myself stories in my head about what he really means. Sometimes those stories make me angry…until I find out what he really really means.
Oooopppsss….wrong again.
I believe we all have a deep need to make sense of things. Ancient people created stories to explain natural phenomena and things they didn’t understand. There are stories about how the earth came to be, explanations for thunder and lightning, birth, death…life. We may have a better understanding of nature and life today, but there are still things we need to make sense of.
Like…that sigh. Or the reason behind the scowl on someone’s face. Or their guarded body language.
And if, like me, you’ve gathered evidence for decades to prove that you’re not enough, then the sigh and the scowl and the body language are definitely about you. How could they not be? You’re face to face, in conversation, and there’s the sigh or scowl or eyeroll or whatever. It HAS to be about you.
Right?!?
At least that’s the story I used to tell myself. I truly am getting better.
You know what happens when you assume, right? You make an ass out of u and me. Assumptions are stories. Same difference.
This is what I discovered: any kind of conflict, disagreement, difference of opinion, or mistake switched on my not-enoughness filter so that all I could see was that I was lacking something or somehow at fault. It was an unconscious response until I could recognize it. I said “I’m sorry” constantly for things that often had nothing to do with me. It was a habit. If I can make a habit, I can break a habit. To break this habit, I’ve begun saying, “thank you” instead, as in “thank you for your patience.”
And, in an effort to stop telling stories, or at least a negative narrative, I’ve (mostly) stopped making assumptions or jumping to conclusions and waited patiently…listening. What is really being said? I try to approach the conversation with an air of curiosity rather than me vs them attitude. I ask questions to gain clarity rather than relying on what I think they mean.
I also have to watch out for the stories I tell myself…about me. I’ve said things to myself I would never say to another living soul. Today, I strive to be encouraging and supportive rather than abusive. I look for the reasons I can do something rather than focus on alllll the reasons I can’t. This has been a big shift for me. Again, it has been my habit, created over decades, to see only what’s lacking in me (whether it’s true or not), so the cheerleading felt like a lie at first. But I’m building a good habit, and it gets easier with repetition.
It is important that my atta girls come from me. I am learning to lift myself up and be the hero in my story. I’ve been the villain far too long. And taking my power back from the not-enoughness lie is an incredible feat and worthy of celebration.
I would encourage you to listen to the stories you tell yourself. Are they true? Are they kind? Are they uplifting? If not, you may need to tell a different story.